Conflict is part of our lives. You can try to run from it, but you cannot avoid it. You can try to hide, but it will find you.
Much of the strife in our personal and work lives is created by trying to avoid conflict. Rather than embrace the resolution process, we bully (to get our way), we cover up (to save face), we ignore (hoping it will go away), and we appease (trying to make everyone happy). In the end, the only path to joy in our work and personal lives is to face the conflict and do the hard work of resolution.
While not being prescriptive (there are plenty of books for that), here are some foundations that are essential for true conflict resolution:
- Start with the right attitude. Begin with the belief that conflict can be resolved to everyone's benefit. Your attitude is the compass that sets the direction for the conversation.
- Seek to understand. Don't be too hasty to argue your case. Too often we immediately go to "I'm right, you're wrong" and seek to win the argument. Instead spend time exploring perspectives. Why are certain beliefs held that contribute to the conflict? What are those beliefs? How do different experiences create different views of the conflict? Example: In the corporate world, how do you seek understanding in the ongoing war between marketing and sales?
- Explore yourself. How are you contributing to the conflict? Are you trying to fix someone else, when you yourself are broken?
- Seek friendship. Find areas of commonness to establish friendship, then work resolution from that friendship. Otherwise, you may create an enemy, escalate the conflict, and end up publicly or legally exposed.
- Be transparent. The frequency and tenor of conflict can be greatly reduced by simply being transparent in your everyday life so people know you, your beliefs, your perspective, your opinions, and your desires. Don't play politics. Don't operate with hidden agendas.
- Keep short accounts. Accept the fact that you are not perfect and can be wrong. Admit when you are wrong and ask forgiveness.
- Forgive. At the same time, you will be wronged and hurt. Be willing to forgive. This does not mean that you are a "doormat" - you may need to protect yourself from harmful people. However, it does mean that you demonstrate grace in trying circumstances.
Above all, be the peacemaker. Don't run from conflict. Don't hide. Engage the resolution process and speak the truth in grace and love.
